


Memories

by Akiko_Natsuko



Series: BixFreed [12]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Memories, Self-Hatred, reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-25 13:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: A spell traps Freed in his past, and when Bickslow chases after him he finds himself torn between wanting to protect past Freed and needing to reassure his Freed, that things aren't going to change.





	Memories

  Bickslow’s expression was anguished as he glanced between Freed who was twisting and turning on the infirmary bed, his face devoid of colour and tears glistening on his cheeks, his hand tightening around the one he had been clinging to since his partner had collapsed. And the huddled figures of Levy and Porlyusica who were both pouring over the book that had led to this situation. It had arrived with a shipment for the library, and Freed had been helping Levy put all the new books away when it had caught his attention. All they had seen was a bright flash, and then the Rune mage had collapsed, and so far, nothing they had tried had managed to wake him up, and the Seith mage was struggling to contain his fear, especially when Freed had inexplicably begun to cry a few minutes before.

“What the hell is going on?” He demanded, too worried at this stage to care about how the cranky healer might respond to his tone, his fingers tightening around Freed’s as the Rune mage cried out. Sounding so frightened and devastated that Bickslow wanted to cry himself. _Freed what the hell is going on in your head? What are you seeing? He_ brought his other hand up and began to gently run his fingers through Freed’s hair, something that usually soothed him, but this time it seemed to make no difference as Freed cried out again and Bickslow made no effort to hide his desperation as he turned his gaze back to the healer. “Porlyusica, please…” _Help him…_

“It’s a spell. The entire book is a spell,” Levy was the one to reply, her expression grim as she glanced up before guilt crossed her face as she glanced at Freed. She had felt bad enough begging the Rune mage to help on one of his rare days off, and now this had happened. Bickslow could see the guilt in her expression, and if Freed had been awake he might have been able to do something to ease her guilt, but right now he couldn’t focus on anything but Freed.

“What spell?”

“A spell to relive your past,” Porlyusica replied this time, glancing at Freed, her eyes narrowing at his obvious distress before she shifted her gaze to Bickslow. “It’s actually an old mind healing spell,” she explained gesturing at the book in front of her. “It lets a person relive their past, usually focus on key traumatic events. The events still can’t be changed, but it allows an individual to view it from the outside and it was intended…”

“Get him out of it,” Bickslow cut across her, his voice sharp with panic and his knuckles turning white from where he was clutching Freed’s hand so tightly. No wonder he was crying out. It had taken a very long time for Freed to trust any of them with details of his life before Fairy Tail, and while Bickslow knew more than most, he knew that even he didn’t know everything. What he did know was bad enough, what he didn’t…well he had a feeling that was a hundred times worse.

_And he’s reliving that right in front of me…_

“Bickslow?” Levy asked, sensing that there was more than mere concern to that demand and she couldn’t help but glance nervously at the Rune Mage. Of all her guildmates the Raijinshuu were the most secretive about their past, but it had never really occurred to her that she didn’t know their history, or if it had it was only a fleeting worry, but the fear in Bickslow’s eyes now made her wonder just what they didn’t know about the Thunder Legion…about Freed.

“Get him out of it!” Bickslow demanded more insistently, his gaze locked on Porlyusica who looked stunned by his forcefulness and his heart plummeted when she shook her head.

“We can’t,” her voice was soft, something like regret creeping into her eyes as she glanced at Freed before continuing quietly. “It has to run its course. It was designed that way so that people couldn’t change their minds, which was why it was banned years ago and all mention of it was supposed to have been destroyed.”

    Bickslow’s magic was crackling under his skin, anger, panic and worry warring for control and building up into a storm in his chest as he glanced at Freed as his partner cried out again. He was right there in front of him, and yet Bickslow couldn’t do anything to help him. _Unless_ …his eyes widened, and he worried at the bottom of his lip for a moment. It was an insane plan, and even if it worked everything could go wrong. Freed hadn’t been entirely open even with him, and he wasn’t sure how the Rune mage would react if he saw everything without his permission. He was so private it could drive a wedge between them if he reacted badly. _But_ … Freed cried out again, flinching to the side and this time Bickslow could make out words in the sharp cry.

“Please, I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”

    He snarled under his breath, fully aware of who had forced Freed to say those words so desperately. Who had hurt him so badly that even now the Rune mage had nightmares about them. It was that knowledge that made up his mind, and he straightened with a determined expression on his face, turning to the other two and holding out his hand.

“Give me the book.”

“What are you going to do?” Levy asked, fingers tightening around the book, knowing that Freed would never forgive them if something happened to Bickslow because of this. Even though at the same time she desperately wanted to help him, her eyes stinging as she heard him crying out again, pleading with something or someone for mercy.

“If you can’t stop the spell, then I’m going to try going into the memories with him,” Bickslow explained grimly, his fingers tightening around Freed’s. _Please forgive me if I see something I shouldn’t._ Even if Freed ended up hating him, it would be worth it. Anything would be worth it as long as Freed didn’t have to go through that again.

“The spell will send you into your memories though,” Porlyusica pointed out. “I’m going to try and connect to him with my magic,” Bickslow explained, reasonably sure that he knew Freed’s soul better than anyone.

“But….”

“I don’t care if I end up reliving my past,” Bickslow cut off her protest, shaking his head as he turned his gaze back too Freed. His past wasn’t great, but he would happily relive every bad moment if it meant that he could help Freed. “I don’t care about that, but Freed…” _Freed can’t go through this again. Not alone_ , he swallowed before holding out his hand for the book. “I have to try.”

“Remember, you can’t change anything,” Porlyusica reminded him, sighing as she handed over the book, seeing the determination in the crimson eyes and unable to ignore the cries coming from Freed any longer. With no healing options available to her she would have to just rely on their bond. Bickslow sighed and nodded, as much as he wanted to change the past, he understood that couldn’t happen and besides as horrible as it had been it had made Freed the man he was. Taking a deep breath, he took the book, already able to feel the spell trying to reach out and sweep over him.

“I can be there though.”

“It’s bad isn’t it?” Levy asked softly, and Bickslow glanced at her, hesitating for a moment before nodding, and she paled at his response. “Help him.”

“I will,” Bickslow replied grimly, pulling the book against his chest as he sat on the side of the bed before laying himself down, curling next too Freed and silently repeating his promise before he unleashed the spell from the book.

_I will…_

*

   He could feel the magic trying to pull him into his own past, and he closed his eyes as he focused on stopping it, instead focusing on Freed’s soul and letting his magic flow as he gripped Freed’s hand.

_Take me to him, please..._

   For a moment it felt like he was being ripped in two and he cried out, thrashing from side to side and yet he never once let go of Freed’s hand or let his efforts to slip into his partner’s past falter, barely aware of Levy and Porlyusica calling to him in the distance. _Freed. Nothing matters but Freed…_ He thought desperately, and finally, there was a gentle tug at the back of his mind, and he felt himself falling deeper and deeper, out of himself and into a past that wasn’t his own.

****

   Bickslow came back to himself in a small room, his gaze immediately drawn to the tiny figure huddled on the bed, and his heart ached as he realised that he was looking at a young Freed. _Freed…_ He took a step forward, already knowing that there was nothing he could do. That he couldn’t reach out and dry the tears trickling down the boy’s face, or give the child who had not had a hug in a long time a proper cuddle and he hated it. However, he had barely taken a couple of steps forward when someone grabbed his arm, and he whirled around, ready to attack although it occurred to him his magic wouldn’t work here…even though something had touched him? His whirling thoughts skidded to a halt as he found himself staring at Freed, his Freed and he lowered his fist, the ache in his chest intensifying as he took in the broken expression on his partner’s face.

“Freed…” He had never seen Freed look that fragile and he was honest it terrified him. However, he took a deep breath and forced the fear back and stepped forward, wrapping the Rune mage in a tight hug. “I’m here. I’m here.” He was half expecting Freed to push him away, and he was stunned when instead Freed fell against him and he tensed as he felt dampness soaking into the front of his clothes. _Freed._ Tenderly he began to rub soothing circles on his back, even as his stomach did somersaults as he felt the sob going through his Freed, just as a barely audible cry escaped the child on the bed.

   His head shot up as the door to the room burst open, and he felt Freed tense in his arm, hands clutching at his back to the point where it was painful. But as he watched the green-haired man who had just stormed in, he understood, and his arms tightened around Freed, as the man began to shout at the boy on the bed. Fury rising and sweeping over him a wave, as he listened to the words the ma was spewing. Words that he knew haunted Freed to this day.

“Monster! Why couldn’t you have normal magic? Why couldn’t you be human?”

   He felt his Freed flinching with each word, and he had never wanted to hurt someone as much as he wanted to hurt Freed’s father at that moment., but he couldn’t. He knew that, but he could make sure that Freed didn’t slip back into thinking that those words were all that he was. Pulling back, he reached up to cup the Rune mage’s face, fingers gently stroking over Freed’s cheeks and brushing away the tears that were falling down them, before reaching in to steal a quick kiss.

“You’re not a monster,” he said softly, meeting turquoise eyes. “You’re beautiful, and you’re mine, forever…”

“But…”

“No buts,” Bickslow cut him off sharply, hating the insecurity lurking in the depths of Freed’s eyes. The insecurity that had slowly begun to fade in the time they had been together, and he was determined to banish it once more. “You know this. This is the past, and you’ve overcome this once, you can do that again!” It had taken years for him to overcome it, and it still haunted him, but it didn’t dictate his life, and Bickslow refused to let it start to do so now. Freed bit his bottom lip, staring at him searchingly and Bickslow made sure to hold his gaze, knowing that the slightest bit of hesitation would be devastating at this point. However, whatever he found seemed to satisfy him though, because his gaze shifted to the shouting man and the boy on the bed, and Bickslow turned so that he could follow his gaze. His breath catching in his throat as for a moment it looked as though the boy was looking at them, and he nearly missed the quiet whisper from his Freed.

“You’re right…” He was just turning back to look at his partner when the world around them disappeared in a swirl of colour, and he clutched Freed tightly to him, not wanting to risk losing him in the stream of his past.

****

   When everything stopped spinning around them, they found themselves in a forest and from the sharp intake of breath from Freed that wasn’t a good thing.

“Freed?”

“It’s the night I e-escaped. ” The waver told Bickslow that while Freed had accepted his words a few minutes ago, this was far from over, and he quickly pulled him back into a tight hug, even as he mulled over those words. Freed had told him that he had run away when he was ten, but he hadn’t mentioned ‘escaping’, but he could tell that now wasn’t the time to ask questions, and to be honest, he knew that he wasn’t going to like the answers.

   He wasn’t given a chance the say anything, as suddenly the forest around them lit up with torches and they both flinched as loud, angry voices filled the air. Bickslow growled under his breath as understanding suddenly dawned, his gaze drawn to the boy creeping towards them through the bushes, his expression darkening as he took in the tattered state of young Freed’s clothes, the bones visible beneath the pale skin and the dark bruises marring his face and chin. There was no way he could ever ignore the sight of an injured Freed, and he found himself letting go of his Freed and moving towards the child, only to freeze as the boy passed through him.

“You can’t stop this,” Freed’s resigned voice drew his attention back to his partner, and he cursed himself for getting distracted from his purpose in coming here.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly, unsure of which Freed he was apologising to as he moved back to stand beside his Freed and gently gripping his hand and squeezing it, and his apology earned him a wan smile as the Rune mage lay his head on his shoulder. _How could that man call you a monster?_ He found himself wondering and not for the first time, a thought reinforced with the words that followed.

“Don’t apologise, you didn’t do this.”

“But…” _If I had been there, I could have protected you_ … He knew that it was a stupid thought, after all, he had only been a couple of years older than Freed and on the far side of Fiore facing his own struggles, but he couldn’t stop it from running through his mind. The gentle hand brushing against cheek made him jump, and he glanced down to find Freed looking up at him, turquoise eyes soft and a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

“What did I do to deserve you?”

   _I think that’s my line._ The words were on the tip of his tongue when there was a shout from behind them, and they turned just in time to see the hunters because there really was no other word for them spotting little Freed. And the Seith mage couldn’t hold back his angry snarl as the boy went flying a moment later, an arrow quivering in his shoulder and he had taken half a step forward when the world disappeared around them once more.

**

“They shot you? THEY SHOT YOU?” He was shouting, raging at the thought that someone had come so close to killing Freed. That he might never have met the Rune mage, that they might never have had this, he glanced down at their linked hands.

“I was a monster in their eyes, they were just trying to protect themselves,” Freed’s voice was soft, almost resigned again, but there was a glimmer of understanding in his eyes that frightened Bickslow, and he found himself pulling the Rune mage against himself. _You’re not a monster, you were never a monster. They were the monsters_ … “They were right,” Freed’s quiet comment made him freeze, and he glanced down to find that Freed had twisted his head and was staring at some distant point and despite himself he found himself following Freed’s gaze, and he wished that he hadn’t….

   Freed, a younger Freed, in his teens was standing over a downed mage, his expression one that Bickslow had only seen on his expression when the demon was fighting for control. But there was no sign of the demon, both eyes were turquoise, and runes were swirling around his hands, and the man in front was writhing, and screaming…and Freed…Freed was smiling…smiling at the pain, he was causing.

“I told you I’m a monster,” Freed whispered before yanking himself free of Bickslow’s arms, and the Seith mage frantically tried to grab hold of him scared of the darkness that had seeped into his eyes.

“No, you’re not!” Bickslow shouted, and he meant it. He didn’t know this part of Freed’s past, and he would be lying if he said it hadn’t shocked him and scared him. But he knew his Freed. He had overcome all this, and the life he lived now far outweighed the one he had lived back then. However, Freed didn’t falter, offering him a glance that was part anguish, part grief…and part farewell and Bickslow sprang forward, fingers closing on empty air as his Freed disappeared in a swirl of colours, leaving him there unable to do anything but watch as the past Freed slowly killed the man he was tormenting. Freed’s words echoing in his mind, as the scene slowly faded away around him.

 _I’m a monster_ …

**

   Bickslow jerked back into the present with a loud cry, flinching back as he found a frantic looking Porlyusica and Levy leaning over him, but he paid no mind to them as he rolled over to check on Freed. Only to come up short as he found the other side of the bed was empty.

Freed was gone...

“Where is he?” He demanded as he sat up.

“He woke a couple of minutes ago and just took off,” Levy explained in a rush, and Bickslow groaned, those words still echoing in his mind and before they could say anything else he had shot to his feet and bolted for the door. His legs threatened to crumple beneath him, but he refused to let himself fall. He had seen that darkness in Freed’s eyes, and he feared what the idiot was going to do. He had been scared that Freed would be angry with him for seeing his memories, but instead, it seemed like that the Rune mage had decided to blame himself for everything instead. _That idiot_ …

     He didn’t waste time checking the guild hall, he knew precisely where Freed would go. It was the place he always went when the past was coming to much for him to bear, a cold pit forming in the bottom of his stomach.

_Freed, don’t do anything stupid…_

   He probably looked a little deranged as he ran through Magnolia, aware that his magic was flaring around him as his panic and fear increased by the second, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about that. Not when Freed had taken off with goodness knows what going through his brain.

    Kardia Cathedral slowly came into sight, and he sped up as he finally picked up on traces of Freed’s magic in the air, the darkness in it fanning his terror. Freed. _You’re not a monster, you were never a monster, and you will never be a monster…_ That thought was still at the forefront of his mind as he turned into the entrance of the cathedral, or rather he tried to, coming up short as he slammed violently into the rune barrier that had sprung up across the path. The runes sloppy and ill-formed, but still enough to stop him and he growled as he slammed his fists into it.

“Bickslow…”

“Freed,” the Seith mage whispered as he found the Rune mage standing in front of him on the other side of the rune barrier, his fingers brushing the barrier as he reached out towards his partner, cursing the runes as they flared at his touch. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know…” Freed’s eyes were still dark, and he was barely looking at Bickslow, hands curling into fists at his side as he admitted softly. “Hiding….”

“From me?”

“You saw what I was like…”

“So?” Bickslow demanded, and that finally got Freed to look at him, the Rune mage’s mouth dropping open in shock and it took him a few minutes to get his voice to work, and it wavered slightly as it echoed the question.

“So?”

“That…” Bickslow pressed on the barrier, eyes narrowing as he felt it beginning to give beneath his touch. It really wasn’t up to Freed’s usual standards, and that was a cause for concern, but at least it meant that he could do something about this. He met and held Freed’s gaze as he channelled a little of his magic into his fingers, pushing more strongly on the barrier and watching with satisfaction as cracks spread up and across the barrier, and taking a deep breath he stepped forward as the runes shattered around him. He didn’t falter, closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms tightly around the Rune Mage. “Doesn’t change anything,” he whispered in Freed’s ear, before pulling back so that he could see his expression. “I don’t care about what happened then.”

“But…” Freed was trembling in his grip even though he made no attempt to escape, his fingers clutching at Bickslow’s back as though terrified that he was going to walk away, and Bickslow’s expression softened…

“It doesn’t change anything,” he murmured softly, pressing a chaste kiss to Freed’s forehead, before gently tilting the Rune mage’s face upwards so that Freed had to look at him. “I knew there were bad things in your past, things that you hadn’t told me. I decided back then that I didn’t care no matter how dark it was, and that hasn’t changed now that I know what happened.”

“H-how can you say that?”

“Because I know you,” Bickslow pointed out, sensing a slight waver in Freed’s fear, his voice softening as he tried to optimise on this weakness. “That’s how I was able to connect with your memories because I know you. All today has done has meant that I know you better than before, and you know what, you’re still the Freed that has fought by my side all this time. You’re still the Freed that I get to come home to, that I get to wake up next to.”

“I…” Freed’s eyes were suspiciously damp, his voice choking up as he clutched at Bickslow tighter, and he gave up on trying to speak after a moment, shaking his head helplessly. Unable to put his whirling thoughts into actual words right now. _Why? Why are you like this.? Please don’t change…_

“This. Does. Not. Change. Anything!” Bickslow enunciated firmly, and that was it. Whatever control Freed had retained over his emotions shattered, a broken sob welling up before he could even think about holding it in, and he buried his face against the older man’s chest as he began to sob in earnest. “You’re still my beautiful Freed,” Bickslow whispered, gently carding his fingers through Freed’s hair even as he guided them down to the ground as he felt Freed’s trembling increasing, letting his head rest against his partner’s as the Rune mage hiccupped and burrowed against him. “You’re still my Freed, and I promise you, that is something that will never change.”

_Ever…_


End file.
